Last week I read this post by my college friend, Erin Loechner.  She was part of a blogging campaign encouraging transparency in our fears and anxieties.  Often times blogs tend to highlight the mountain tops of our lives rather the valleys.  We all struggle, we all need compassion, we all make messes, and the “pretending we have it all together” days are long gone.  I was inspired by her honesty and thought it was time to share my current messes with you….

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Life changes quickly.  One minute you have a plan and everything happens in perspective to that plan.  The next minute you receive that one phone call, read that one email, or make that one choice and everything changes.  Your vertical turns horizontal, up becomes down, forward becomes an illusion, and gravity loosens its grip. We blink and suddenly find ourselves floating in violent seas in search of our next lighthouse.

My life has done some major rearranging the last few months.  The changes were sudden and unexpected and took my voice away.  Aside from my husband and a few close friends brave enough to wander at sea with me, I’ve kept quiet in life and on this blog.

The largest of these changes has been the closing down of my Studio.  Yes I just said that.

I have closed my Studio at Edgehill Village.

I have been scared to share this news with the world because I felt it painted me a failure.  I feared that all of my internal doubts would now become a reality and it’s the only lens the world would see me through.  Though I can’t share the details of how I fully came to this decision, I will share that I don’t regret any step of this process.  There was something inside of me that needed to heal, something that needed to be laid to rest, and something in me that needed to be awaken.

Have you ever had a grief so deep that it magnetically pulls all your past griefs to its side?  This has been my experience the last couple of months.  I’m emerging from the other side with a well watered garden ready to plant  new dreams.  I no longer see this change as a failure but as a stepping stone.

I am a work in progress.  Creative Spillage is a work in progress.  We are both still progressing.  I am blessed to say that I have moved my studio home and my business is better than ever.  I have not given up painting.  I’ve just had to do a little rearranging.

Are there things you are hiding from the world?  Are you afraid of being labeled a failure?

I am coming to believe that my expectations of what joy should feel like are incorrect.  In my mind, joy equals energy, unending smiling, and twirling around with another human being.  Everything around me is lost and I am overtaken on a tidal wave of joy.

Somewhere along my life, I have adopted the truth that joy is a feeling.  Though I do think this is partially true, I am also coming to believe that it’s a chosen mindset.

According to the dictionary, joy is a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.  I don’t know about you, but when Scripture tells us to consider it great joy whenever we face trials of many kinds, this definition falls very short.  In the midst of the major traumas of my life, I cannot point to one moment where I found great pleasure or happiness in the  midst of them.

I don’t know if I’ve become too much of a realist, but I have come to expect pain in our lives.  I have been through enough to know that the grass doesn’t always stay green.  When pain does arise, I have learned to thank God for the struggle because I know the sweet fruit that suffering produces.  This knowledge, this mindset is my version of joy.

Maybe there are many kinds of joy, or maybe I am still out in left field trying to name something that would rather remain nameless.

What is joy to you?

Everything is more glorious in it’s visionary state.  Dreams seem to be backlit by an ethereal perfection that woos us like a Siren’s beauty.  The sky is full of rainbows and childlike faith comes easy.  It calls us forth to action in the pursuit of our metaphorical pot of gold.  Then, before we know it, we arrive.

I’ve arrived to find my rainbow has disappeared and my pot of gold is emptier than it has ever been. I’ve become weighed down with anxiety and fear.  Paralysis is threading its way through my spirit, mind, and body.  The effortless light of motivation I once had has left a charred wick in it’s place.

The last four months have crept idly by.  I circled my life around the false truth that my destiny is leading me to this ONE moment.   Somewhere I have forgotten that the climax of my life is reunion with Christ.  I may have mountains along the way but they are just that…mountains.

Painting is rarely the way that I refuel myself.  It’s almost always the way that I express myself.  It’s my language in a way.  I’ve been approaching my studio and painting like it’s my life source.  All that is required of me is to show up and I will find all of the creative energy needed.  This is naive and has proven untrue.  I have neglected my life source in Christ and it has left me fruitless, and paint-less.

My silence lately has been my attempt to remember the passions of my heart, then maybe I’ll find my expressive painting voice again.  In a world way to distracted by social media, I never want to post something just for the sake of blogging. I appreciate your patience, and your desire to creatively journey through faith with me.

In the last year all of my energy has gone into building the foundation of my marriage and my studio. The vision of these things has long energized me; however,  it’s in the hands on building of these visions that I have forgotten to refuel.  The implementation of dreams is exhausting work.  I understand why most people turn around in fear.

I know I am forever a dreamer but I desire to grow as an implementor.  Has anyone else had trouble in this transition?  How do you refuel yourself for the long tasks of building a dream to fruition?

Why: I created these workshops because I wanted women to know that it’s okay to make a mess!  Life is messy, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be thrown away!  Our messes are where we get a unique opportunity to step back and let the divine intercede.  There is something powerful about learning to find beauty and healing in our messes.

Who:  Women!  My workshops are geared particularly to women.  We will journey through our messy lives together to find the beauty.  I will travel for groups of 5 or more.  I can also accommodate large groups in a conference setting.

What to bring:  Just bring you and an open mind! Well, and some clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty.

Where: My Studio @ Edgehill Village: 1201 Villa Place Suite 201  Nashville, TN 37212

When:  Saturday March 23rd, 2012  9a-Noon.

How much:  Workshops are $75.  I provide all the supplies.  You have full access to all of the resources of my studio, and you go home with your own painting!

Register:  Email me at Laura@CreativeSpillage.com to register or for inquiries!

I’m learning a lot these days, friends.  God is honoring the desire to rid my life of unhealthy things (what I affectionately refer to as gluten of the heart and mind).  I have let too many unhealthy things creep into my spirit without question; like the lie that I am my own worst enemy.  I don’t know if it’s my experience in 12-step culture or the years of self-actualization through counseling, but I often state that the first thing to holding me back in any situation, is myself.  Don’t get me wrong, I may be a close second, but I have lost all sense of this prowling lion that Scripture speaks of.

As a child, someone once told me that to write the name of Satan is the ultimate glorification of him.  That by just mentioning his name, we give him power.  I have come to see that this is ridiculously incorrect and perhaps even the greatest manipulation created by Satan himself.  Ignoring our enemy does not weaken him.  In fact, it only gives him more freedom to roam about unhindered.  We live in an age that promotes and praises the glorification of self.  I’ve heard time and time again from beleivers, “I know God extends mercy to you, but it’s hard to realize He extends it to me.”  In forgetting we are in a fight for our lives, we have also forgotten our power.

It’s frightening to think that this war has been raging against me and I have just flipped it the honorary bird of silence.  How can we stand against an enemy that we don’t even acknowledge?  Do not the military and sports people alike spend significant time learning the ways of their enemies?  How also can I stand against Satan when I have forgotten that the victorious power of Jesus Christ and Him crucified is inside of me!  In ignoring my enemy, I see now that I have ignored my God.

This was on my mind all day yesterday.  Last night when I crawled into bed I heard fireworks.  I sat and listened as if some battle cry in the distance was marching my way.  The fight is here, the fight is now.

Being knee deep in my own stories has been bittersweet.  Hindsight has been a double edged sword.  I see now that I lived majority of my life in survival mode.  Every decision I made was simply about passing the test and surviving.  I would often wonder what the point of all of this was, but my attention would quickly be diverted to the present need.

When you are overwhelmed by the basic need of survival you don’t often get the luxury of self examination.  Sometimes we don’t know the point of a situation, but we have hope that there is one.  I’m convinced that this hope is what energized me to keep surviving.  Otherwise, what would I be surviving for?  It’s in our DNA to long for redemption.  We want our wrongs to be made right and justice to find the unjust.  This makes our struggle worth it.

In my attempt to pass the test of survival, I spent countless hours pleading with God to show me the right and the wrong path.  Passing a test meant that there were right and wrong answers and I was convinced life worked the same way.  Page after page of my journals I spent pleading with God to show me the right path, the correct course of action.  Making the wrong decision mean that I failed and took one step closer to the valley of the shadow of death.  I was in bondage to fear; fear of the world, fear of myself, and fear of God.

To this day I often approach God from this mentality.  I treat life as if it’s some sort of game show and God is the host.  Each right answer will lead me to an open door that has a shiny gift behind it.

I have sadly missed the point.  Through approaching life this way, I have lost sight of love, peace, patience, hope, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faith, grace, mercy, and so on.  I’ve looked to God as some sort of dictator waiting to grant me a life or death sentence.

I don’t want this to be the case with my life any longer.  Sure, I passed the test by surviving, but what a waste if I missed the point of it all!  I want to understand the point, the purpose of all the things that have made up my story.  All great stories have conflict, but I want to be more than a great story.  I want to live a redeeming story.  I am tired of living out of fear and am ready to live out of faith.

Since posting about our Secret Marriage ceremony we have received the entire spectrum of responses.  There were comments of “Good for you!” and “We wish we did that!”  There were emails and conversations with people who simply did not understand it. There were even a few who were horrified and offended.  If any of you have ever planned a wedding, then you know that it is impossible to please everyone.  We knew this from the beginning and let ourselves off of that hook before wedding planning even started.

We compare our eloping and public ceremony to salvation and baptism.

Salvation is a private moment between God and ourselves.  It doesn’t involve pretty dresses and flowers, but rather a “come as you are” mentality.  We wanted our marriage to be the same.  We wore our normal clothes and married in an ordinary way. We removed all distraction so we could focus on ourselves and the commitment we were making before God.

Baptism is the public declaration of one’s commitment to God.  It’s here where we share our decision with others and even vow before them that we have decided this.  It’s a way of letting your community know about this commitment you have made and then asking them to support you in it.  This is why we had a public ceremony.  We wanted to show our community of family and friends the commitment we are making and then ask them for their support in the years to come.

Everyone has different reasons for eloping and for having traditional marriage ceremonies.  I’m not defending our actions, because I don’t believe they need to be.  I’m also not asking anyone to change their feelings about it.  You have a right to yours and these are simply ours.

One of my favorite places on earth is India.  There is a rhythm there that my heartbeat hears and tries to follow.  Something in the colors and in the smells and in the sights.  The country is filled with textures and sounds that I have experienced no where else.

When I first got back from my trip, I would ramble for hours trying to explain the grandure that is India. Then finally it hit me, India is a place where I focus with all of my senses.  The life that India breathed into me has yet to leave and often calls my Spirit to return.  Living with such multi sensory awareness motivated me in a way I have never known.  There was an energy to my spirit that I had lost in the years prior.  There was purpose in my words and passion in my eyes.

Focusing with all of our senses can sound like anxiety driven sensory overload, but when done intentionally, it can lead us to a deep calm within ourselves.  For me it has done just that.  In quieting my distractions I have found a deep gratitude.

It never fails. Every time I hear testimony of a group returning from the mission field, they speak of the depth of wisdom and thanksgiving that they experienced in people.  When we remove our superficial distractions and focus with our senses, our spirits free to think about things such as love, patience, gratitude, and knowledge.

It is said that the more senses you use to experience something with, the more likely you are to remember it. Having seen this to be unwaveringly true in India, I wanted to adopt it into my life somehow.

At random times throughout the day I try to stop and take in all that is happening around me.  The sounds I hear, the smells that surround me, the feel of fabric against my skin, the taste of my last meal, the beautiful sights in front of me, and the state of my heart.  It’s here that I find a place of deep quiet and balance.

I hope to adopt this fully into my life before becoming a mother.  {and no, we are not pregnant}  I want to be able to teach my children to nurture their senses.  When are given such powerful tools of adventure and spend more time numbing them than enhancing them.

How can we live lives that linger on others senses?  How can we produce art that inspires others to live lives with fragrance and tangible texture?  I believe the answer lives within us.  God has given us the perfect tools to lead meaningful active lives.  What are we waiting for?

When I bought my house two years ago I knew that the dining room needed a mirror.  I also knew that I wanted it to be a piece of artwork, and a functional mirror.  I shopped and shopped and everything I fell in love with was way out of my price range.  I chanced Craigslist and ended up finding a treasure!

And by treasure, I mean a huge GOLD treasure.  This mirror had beautiful lines and was the perfect size, but gold would not work in my silver accented house!  With some painters tape, some primer, and an Extra White sample paint can from Sherwin Williams, I now have this masterpiece!

Isn’t she beautiful?  Because the lines are ultra feminine, I used a light grey (knitting needles by Sherwin Williams) behind it to lessen the contrast.  One thing to always remember in design is that our eyes are always drawn to contrast.  If I put this bright white mirror against the dark charcoal walls, it would cause the rest of the room to disappear.

The total cost of the project was just under $120.  I also got to have tea with a lovely 86 year old woman who told me beautiful stories of all the homes this mirror has lived in.  Love it!

This is the view of my dining room when I purchased the house:

And this is it now!