Have you ever heard it said that you can pass the test, but still miss the point?
Being knee deep in my own stories has been bittersweet. Hindsight has been a double edged sword. I see now that I lived majority of my life in survival mode. Every decision I made was simply about passing the test and surviving. I would often wonder what the point of all of this was, but my attention would quickly be diverted to the present need.
When you are overwhelmed by the basic need of survival you don’t often get the luxury of self examination. Sometimes we don’t know the point of a situation, but we have hope that there is one. I’m convinced that this hope is what energized me to keep surviving. Otherwise, what would I be surviving for? It’s in our DNA to long for redemption. We want our wrongs to be made right and justice to find the unjust. This makes our struggle worth it.
In my attempt to pass the test of survival, I spent countless hours pleading with God to show me the right and the wrong path. Passing a test meant that there were right and wrong answers and I was convinced life worked the same way. Page after page of my journals I spent pleading with God to show me the right path, the correct course of action. Making the wrong decision mean that I failed and took one step closer to the valley of the shadow of death. I was in bondage to fear; fear of the world, fear of myself, and fear of God.
To this day I often approach God from this mentality. I treat life as if it’s some sort of game show and God is the host. Each right answer will lead me to an open door that has a shiny gift behind it.
I have sadly missed the point. Through approaching life this way, I have lost sight of love, peace, patience, hope, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faith, grace, mercy, and so on. I’ve looked to God as some sort of dictator waiting to grant me a life or death sentence.
I don’t want this to be the case with my life any longer. Sure, I passed the test by surviving, but what a waste if I missed the point of it all! I want to understand the point, the purpose of all the things that have made up my story. All great stories have conflict, but I want to be more than a great story. I want to live a redeeming story. I am tired of living out of fear and am ready to live out of faith.