I am still soaking in the truth that I am living in my once Ideal Imaginary Day. It has yet to feel like I dreamed it. I assumed this would be a place and time of life where I most understood the meaning of true joy. The exact opposite has proven true.
Everything is more glorious in it’s visionary state. Dreams seem to be backlit by an ethereal perfection that woos us like a Siren’s beauty. The sky is full of rainbows and childlike faith comes easy. It calls us forth to action in the pursuit of our metaphorical pot of gold. Then, before we know it, we arrive.
I’ve arrived to find my rainbow has disappeared and my pot of gold is emptier than it has ever been. I’ve become weighed down with anxiety and fear. Paralysis is threading its way through my spirit, mind, and body. The effortless light of motivation I once had has left a charred wick in it’s place.
The last four months have crept idly by. I circled my life around the false truth that my destiny is leading me to this ONE moment. Somewhere I have forgotten that the climax of my life is reunion with Christ. I may have mountains along the way but they are just that…mountains.
Painting is rarely the way that I refuel myself. It’s almost always the way that I express myself. It’s my language in a way. I’ve been approaching my studio and painting like it’s my life source. All that is required of me is to show up and I will find all of the creative energy needed. This is naive and has proven untrue. I have neglected my life source in Christ and it has left me fruitless, and paint-less.
My silence lately has been my attempt to remember the passions of my heart, then maybe I’ll find my expressive painting voice again. In a world way to distracted by social media, I never want to post something just for the sake of blogging. I appreciate your patience, and your desire to creatively journey through faith with me.
In the last year all of my energy has gone into building the foundation of my marriage and my studio. The vision of these things has long energized me; however, it’s in the hands on building of these visions that I have forgotten to refuel. The implementation of dreams is exhausting work. I understand why most people turn around in fear.
I know I am forever a dreamer but I desire to grow as an implementor. Has anyone else had trouble in this transition? How do you refuel yourself for the long tasks of building a dream to fruition?
“Painting is rarely the way that I refuel myself. It’s almost always the way that I express myself. ”
that makes sense to me. the same is true of writing for me. the writing actually takes from you… and it’s the sharing that refuels. and pointing back to the creator who made it possible to write.
I couldn’t agree more! Occasionally painting (and writing for that matter) do refuel me…it’s just nothing compared to when I share it.
oh laura. yes, yes, and YES! i have become so good at dreaming in the past almost 3 years of being in India (and some of that time in America casting the dream) that the month of February was, for me, the time where I checked myself out of the game…because it’s hard. I thought the rewards would come sooner. I didn’t think there would be this much suffering involved. I thought the steps would be more clear-cut. I’m grateful to Him to be able to say that He has checked me back into the game, by His grace. And I’m realizing that there is grace for every step of the way. His grace and presence are waiting for me there. I’ve learned I need to have faith in that “future grace,” that it WILL come, just like it came all the other times I needed Him to fulfill the other parts of the dream/vision. Even today I woke up to Him reminding me…with the 1st rain of the year here :) The Spirit reminded me of Hosea 6…He’ll come like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth. Oh, how that promise filled my thirsty soul. I hope it fills yours with hope, too. Sorry for this novel of a testimony but it feels like I could’ve written this blog post. Thanks for putting it into words here. Praying for you as you seek to “implement” and ultimately seek His kingdom in your life. Love ya girl!
I love that you wrote about Hosea. God continually brings me back to that part of Scripture. I also thought that rewards would come sooner, suffering would end, and everything would just effortlessly continue to move forward. I’ve always knows that I am a much better visionary than sustainer, but I think there comes a point when I let become an excuse for poor work. That excuse dies today….I’ll let that winter rain wash it away… Thanks Megan.